What is the Purpose of Marriage?

Can you guess what this blog is about?

Welcome to my blog and its very first post!

I initially began this blog with the intent of simply keeping track of what I learn in the marriage class I am taking at BYU-Idaho, but then as I was studying my lesson materials, I thought, "Holy matrimony, this stuff is important, and people need to know!"

So it is my greatest hope that by sharing what I learn with you, dear readers, you will find these messages as interesting, illuminating, and inspiring as I do.

Without further ado, the first thing I feel compelled to write about is the purpose of marriage. I find this topic especially relevant due to the recent controversy (and Supreme Court ruling) over same-sex marriage.

I mean, just why don't those darn conservatives want gay people to marry anyway? It's between two consenting adults, and their marriage isn't harming anyone, right? So why do they care so much?

Well I'll tell you a big reason why we care so much, and that reason comes down to what the purpose of marriage actually is.

In a wonderful article by the University of Virginia and the Institute for American Values, called, "The State of Our Unions: Marriage in America 2012," it states that "throughout history, marriage has first and foremost been an institution for procreation and raising children."

However, it mentions a cross-national survey which covered people's ideas about the main purpose of marriage. You may be surprised (... or not) to learn that the United States was nearly at the top in the percentage of people disagreeing with the statement, "The main purpose of marriage is having children." Nearly seventy percent of Americans believe the main purpose of marriage is something else. Seventy percent!

But if the primary purpose of marriage is not to raise children in a stable and loving environment, then why does the government reward and promote marriage at all? Why is marriage a legal and social institution instead of simply a religious ceremony or other mere sentimentality?

Because children.

Because studies show that marriage matters when it comes to the well-being of children.

I'm sure you've heard of the many ways divorce can negatively impact a child, but it is not simply divorce. For instance, did you know that compared with children who grow up in stable, two-parent families, children born outside marriage 

• reach adulthood with less education
• earn less income
• have lower occupational status
• are more likely to be idle (that is, not employed and not in school)
• are more likely to have a nonmarital birth (among daughters)
• have more troubled marriages
• experience higher rates of divorce
• and report more symptoms of depression?

(Amato 78)

All that--not even caused by divorce--but occurring simply from having parents who were not married to each other.

There are tons of studies that all seem to indicate the same thing: children fare best when raised by both biological parents who are married to each other and have a loving, harmonious relationship.

I'll say it again: marriage matters to children. It is not simply the thing you do when you fall in love and you want the world to know it. It is not your one-way ticket to happily-ever-after. It is not just an excuse to throw an expensive, lavish party and dress up in a beautiful white gown. It is not just a "right" that any two adults should have, regardless of whether they are biologically even capable of producing children.

Marriage is about children--it is about families. It is a social institution because it concerns society. It is not all about you, the couple. It is not something to be taken lightly, or severed at will as soon as one of you decides you're not really having fun anymore.

See? Family. :D

Which brings me to the second point I wanted to talk about. I think too often people go into marriage thinking it is going to be this ever-flowing fountain of love and happiness and romance. But the reality is marriage invariably consists of two imperfect and wildly different humans who are bound to butt heads from time to time.

Because of this, I don't think that happiness is the #1 thing we are supposed to get out of marriage. Yes, ideally marriage will bring us happiness more often than not, but more likely, I think it serves us in forcing us to become better people. 

I know that every time I fight with my husband and I decide to swallow my pride and apologize, or I forgive him, or in some other way I put him before myself, I am one step closer to becoming more like my Savior. I am not even close to the perfect being that Jesus Christ was, but I know that my marriage has caused me to grow and improve in ways that I never would have otherwise.

So I would like to challenge you all to not think of marriage as something that exists to make you happy, but instead to view your marriage (and in particular the trials in your marriage) as an opportunity for self-improvement. Do some honest soul-searching and evaluate yourself on whether or not you are exhibiting pride or selfishness. Use your conflicts as opportunities to humble yourself and repent. It is definitely not easy--the easy thing to do would be to put all of the blame on your spouse. But believe me when I say it is so much more effective and rewarding to put that energy toward bettering yourself.

I would like to close by leaving you with a quote by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, from his April 2007 General Conference talk on divorce:

"For most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation."

I hope we will all take this great wisdom to heart as we endeavor to strengthen and improve our marriages!

Works Cited

Amato, P. (Fall, 2005). The impact of family formation change on the cognitive, social, and emotional well-being of the next generation. The Future of Children, 15(2), 75-96.

Oaks, D.H. (May 2007). Divorce. Ensign.