Family Rules and Marital Identity

"That's a weird way to eat eggs."

It was about a week after I had visited my husband's family for the very first time, and he and I had only been dating for a couple of months (although we were already talking about getting married). He was now visiting my family (also for the first time), and I had just made us both eggs and tortillas the way I'd eaten them at his family's house a week earlier.

"What do you mean? This is the way your family eats it," I replied, confused.

"My family has never cut up a tortilla with a fork and knife like that," he declared.

I blinked. He was kidding, right? "Yes they have," I said, sure that that was exactly what I'd seen them do. "We ate it like this just last week."

"No, we either eat our eggs with a fork and take bites out of our tortillas, like this," he demonstrated for me, "or we make a taco out of it. We never cut into it. That's just weird."

His words baffled me. Was that true?

The first time I met my husband's family (for his brother's baptism) (2010)

I thought about that first morning that I'd eaten eggs with his family. My husband (who was then just my boyfriend) had been outside talking to his stake president who had stopped by to visit. I was not at all used to being around his family on my own, and it may have even been our first meal together. "Do I wait for them to start eating? That's what's polite, right?" I'd wondered nervously. "But what are they waiting for? Are they waiting for me to eat? I'm not even sure how I should eat this." I decided I would wait for one of them to start, and then just do whatever they did.

Eventually my father-in-law picked up his fork and knife and cut into the egg and tortilla and ate it. Then my mother-in-law hesitantly did the same. Soon we were all eating, and the tense atmosphere lightened a little. I, of course, was oblivious to the fact that anything was out of the ordinary.

In hindsight (after my husband's remarks) I have to imagine that they had worried that I might think less of them for picking up their tortillas and eating them with their hands, as they were accustomed to doing. This was revelatory to me, because it never occurred to me that they were as worried about what I thought of them as I was about what they thought of me.

This kind of awkward situation is bound to happen when couples meet their partner's family for the first time. This is because, as Dr. Bernard E. Poduska says in his book Till Debt Do Us Part, "Because of your upbringing in your particular family (your 'family of origin'), certain rules guide you in your social roles, govern your interpersonal relationships, set limits on your behavior, and enable you to reasonably predict the behavior of others." Poduska calls these "family rules." Each family is unique and family rules can be tricky to navigate and adapt to even among families with similar cultural backgrounds.

But my husband and I did not have similar cultural backgrounds.

My husband's family is from Mexico, although they moved to the United States about a year after my husband was born, and they have lived here ever since. His parents both speak English well (although they are more comfortable with Spanish and prefer to speak that in their home) and they have a pretty good understanding of American customs and traditions (although they still adhere more to their Mexican roots).

My husband's different cultural background has always been considered a plus to me ever since I first began dating him. I loved learning about other cultures and I'd hoped to become fluent in Spanish ever since I began learning the language in 8th grade. I loved that he and his family were Mexican, but clearly (as evidenced by the situation with the eggs) this difference in cultural backgrounds would add to the (already difficult) task of successfully integrating into each other's families.

My husband had briefed me on a few of the cultural differences, but I still felt inadequately prepared to meet his family.  For example, he had told me that it was considered rude in their culture to say "I'm full" after eating (because only a glutton would eat until he was "full"). Instead you should say, "estoy satisfecho," (which means, "I'm satisfied").

I'd thought that would be easy enough, but when it came time to refuse an extra helping of food from his mom, the words felt really strange and unnatural, and I was uncertain of how they came across.

I have many more stories of uncomfortable situations I found myself in (as I'm sure you do too), but one thing I learned from this was how important it is try to identify ahead of time your "family rules." Most spouses would be happy to obey their in-laws' family rules while in their home, but many times in the beginning of the relationship they just don't know what they are.

If you are preparing to meet the parents of your spouse/fiance/significant other, I cannot emphasize enough how helpful it will be to sit down and extensively discuss each of your family's spoken and unspoken rules before going to meet them.

If you are the parent of a child who is hoping to marry, I can't tell you how grateful your future child-in-law will be for your efforts to help them feel comfortable and accepted in the family.

And finally, if you are newly married, it is so important that you form your own, unique marital identity. You will both bring different rules and expectations to the table, and its up to you to compromise and negotiate a new set of family rules that works for your new family unit. Do not just adopt his family rules or her family rules, but come up with new ones together.

Me with his family (2013)

Him with my family (2014)

Unity in Marriage and Family

In President Eyring's talk, "That We May Be One," he begins by quoting Jesus Christ in D&C 38:27, “Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine." He goes on to say, "at the creation of man and woman, unity for them in marriage was not given as hope, it was a command!... Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity."

Unfortunately, achieving unity in the home is much easier said than done. The family is a complicated social institution with many different possible "power struggles." There's sibling vs. sibling, parent vs. child, spouse vs. in-laws, and of course, husband vs. wife.

2003 - Family pictures were somewhat of a nightmare. :)

I come from a family of nine children. I wish I could say we were always one big happy family, but with a family this big there's bound to be contention. We kids seemed to always be fighting and squabbling among ourselves and as we became teenagers we even argued with our parents. This level and constancy of contention over so many years must have eventually worn my parents down because as I got older it seems like I saw them argue with each other more and more.

I can't count the number of times I saw my dad "lay down the law" (as my mom would call it) on the spot to the kids in a moment of frustration. Some new rule will have been created ("No food or drink outside the kitchen!" "Ten o'clock bedtime!" "No using the computer for the rest of the day!"). And then when my dad would go to bed or work or wherever else, my mom would not enforce the new rule. One of the kids might even ask her, "Mom, can I eat goldfish at my desk?" and she'd say, "Okay, just don't let your dad see you."

This kind of thing happened in their home for so many years that now my dad does not even try to discipline or "parent" at all. He'll tell me my mom undermines everything he tries to do with the family, to the point that he can't do anything. He looks so helpless and dejected sometimes that I just want to shake them both and say, "Get your act together!"

Sadly, my family is not the only one that this sort of thing (or worse) happens in. Many married couples struggle with balancing power in their marriage and families. But how is power supposed to be balanced between spouses, parents, and children? How do we achieve this unity that President Eyring calls a "command" and a "necessity"?

In the same talk mentioned above, President Eyring gives the answer: "the gospel of Jesus Christ can allow hearts to be made one. ... Through obedience to... ordinances and covenants, their natures would be changed. The Savior’s Atonement in that way makes it possible for us to be sanctified."

President Eyring especially emphasized the importance of the Holy Spirit in helping us to become unified. He said, "Where people have that Spirit with them, we may expect harmony. The Spirit puts the testimony of truth in our hearts, which unifies those who share that testimony. The Spirit of God never generates contention (see 3 Ne. 11:29). It never generates the feelings of distinctions between people which lead to strife (see Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 13th ed. [1963], 131). It leads to personal peace and a feeling of union with others. It unifies souls. A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depend on unified souls."

2009 - This is what a unified family might look like.
(Not that we were, but we sure looked the part for a couple minutes! ;-) )

On the subject of power within families, Dr. Richard B. Miller  (at a BYU Conference on Family Life), listed the following as the proper leadership structure of a family:

1. Parents are the leaders in the family.
"In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children."

2. Parents must be united in their leadership.

"It is important that parents work together in their leadership in the family.... If parents disagree on parenting issues, they should discuss the issues in an 'executive session' without the children present....  Except in cases of abuse, passively not supporting the other parent or actively undermining the authority of the other parent causes serious damage to children."

3. The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.
"In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them.... It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families."

4. The marital relationship should be a partnership.

"Healthy marriages consist of an equal partnership between a husband and a wife. Many marital problems have as their root cause an unequal relationship or struggles over who has control in the relationship. ... Thus, research consistently finds that happy relationships are most likely to occur in marriages where the couple shares power and has a true partnership."

I encourage you to take a look at your own marriage and family life. Do you suffer from a lack of unity? Do you or your spouse sometimes argue in front of your children,  or do you present to them a unified front? Does one of you try to nag or control the other? Do you allow parents or other family members to interfere in decisions or other matters that should be kept between you and your spouse?

It is my hope that you will seek greater unity in your family through the sanctifying power of the atonement, by repentance, and inviting the Spirit more often into your home. I know great things can be achieved in our homes as long as we stand united.