Family Rules and Marital Identity

"That's a weird way to eat eggs."

It was about a week after I had visited my husband's family for the very first time, and he and I had only been dating for a couple of months (although we were already talking about getting married). He was now visiting my family (also for the first time), and I had just made us both eggs and tortillas the way I'd eaten them at his family's house a week earlier.

"What do you mean? This is the way your family eats it," I replied, confused.

"My family has never cut up a tortilla with a fork and knife like that," he declared.

I blinked. He was kidding, right? "Yes they have," I said, sure that that was exactly what I'd seen them do. "We ate it like this just last week."

"No, we either eat our eggs with a fork and take bites out of our tortillas, like this," he demonstrated for me, "or we make a taco out of it. We never cut into it. That's just weird."

His words baffled me. Was that true?

The first time I met my husband's family (for his brother's baptism) (2010)

I thought about that first morning that I'd eaten eggs with his family. My husband (who was then just my boyfriend) had been outside talking to his stake president who had stopped by to visit. I was not at all used to being around his family on my own, and it may have even been our first meal together. "Do I wait for them to start eating? That's what's polite, right?" I'd wondered nervously. "But what are they waiting for? Are they waiting for me to eat? I'm not even sure how I should eat this." I decided I would wait for one of them to start, and then just do whatever they did.

Eventually my father-in-law picked up his fork and knife and cut into the egg and tortilla and ate it. Then my mother-in-law hesitantly did the same. Soon we were all eating, and the tense atmosphere lightened a little. I, of course, was oblivious to the fact that anything was out of the ordinary.

In hindsight (after my husband's remarks) I have to imagine that they had worried that I might think less of them for picking up their tortillas and eating them with their hands, as they were accustomed to doing. This was revelatory to me, because it never occurred to me that they were as worried about what I thought of them as I was about what they thought of me.

This kind of awkward situation is bound to happen when couples meet their partner's family for the first time. This is because, as Dr. Bernard E. Poduska says in his book Till Debt Do Us Part, "Because of your upbringing in your particular family (your 'family of origin'), certain rules guide you in your social roles, govern your interpersonal relationships, set limits on your behavior, and enable you to reasonably predict the behavior of others." Poduska calls these "family rules." Each family is unique and family rules can be tricky to navigate and adapt to even among families with similar cultural backgrounds.

But my husband and I did not have similar cultural backgrounds.

My husband's family is from Mexico, although they moved to the United States about a year after my husband was born, and they have lived here ever since. His parents both speak English well (although they are more comfortable with Spanish and prefer to speak that in their home) and they have a pretty good understanding of American customs and traditions (although they still adhere more to their Mexican roots).

My husband's different cultural background has always been considered a plus to me ever since I first began dating him. I loved learning about other cultures and I'd hoped to become fluent in Spanish ever since I began learning the language in 8th grade. I loved that he and his family were Mexican, but clearly (as evidenced by the situation with the eggs) this difference in cultural backgrounds would add to the (already difficult) task of successfully integrating into each other's families.

My husband had briefed me on a few of the cultural differences, but I still felt inadequately prepared to meet his family.  For example, he had told me that it was considered rude in their culture to say "I'm full" after eating (because only a glutton would eat until he was "full"). Instead you should say, "estoy satisfecho," (which means, "I'm satisfied").

I'd thought that would be easy enough, but when it came time to refuse an extra helping of food from his mom, the words felt really strange and unnatural, and I was uncertain of how they came across.

I have many more stories of uncomfortable situations I found myself in (as I'm sure you do too), but one thing I learned from this was how important it is try to identify ahead of time your "family rules." Most spouses would be happy to obey their in-laws' family rules while in their home, but many times in the beginning of the relationship they just don't know what they are.

If you are preparing to meet the parents of your spouse/fiance/significant other, I cannot emphasize enough how helpful it will be to sit down and extensively discuss each of your family's spoken and unspoken rules before going to meet them.

If you are the parent of a child who is hoping to marry, I can't tell you how grateful your future child-in-law will be for your efforts to help them feel comfortable and accepted in the family.

And finally, if you are newly married, it is so important that you form your own, unique marital identity. You will both bring different rules and expectations to the table, and its up to you to compromise and negotiate a new set of family rules that works for your new family unit. Do not just adopt his family rules or her family rules, but come up with new ones together.

Me with his family (2013)

Him with my family (2014)