Unity in Marriage and Family

In President Eyring's talk, "That We May Be One," he begins by quoting Jesus Christ in D&C 38:27, “Be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine." He goes on to say, "at the creation of man and woman, unity for them in marriage was not given as hope, it was a command!... Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity."

Unfortunately, achieving unity in the home is much easier said than done. The family is a complicated social institution with many different possible "power struggles." There's sibling vs. sibling, parent vs. child, spouse vs. in-laws, and of course, husband vs. wife.

2003 - Family pictures were somewhat of a nightmare. :)

I come from a family of nine children. I wish I could say we were always one big happy family, but with a family this big there's bound to be contention. We kids seemed to always be fighting and squabbling among ourselves and as we became teenagers we even argued with our parents. This level and constancy of contention over so many years must have eventually worn my parents down because as I got older it seems like I saw them argue with each other more and more.

I can't count the number of times I saw my dad "lay down the law" (as my mom would call it) on the spot to the kids in a moment of frustration. Some new rule will have been created ("No food or drink outside the kitchen!" "Ten o'clock bedtime!" "No using the computer for the rest of the day!"). And then when my dad would go to bed or work or wherever else, my mom would not enforce the new rule. One of the kids might even ask her, "Mom, can I eat goldfish at my desk?" and she'd say, "Okay, just don't let your dad see you."

This kind of thing happened in their home for so many years that now my dad does not even try to discipline or "parent" at all. He'll tell me my mom undermines everything he tries to do with the family, to the point that he can't do anything. He looks so helpless and dejected sometimes that I just want to shake them both and say, "Get your act together!"

Sadly, my family is not the only one that this sort of thing (or worse) happens in. Many married couples struggle with balancing power in their marriage and families. But how is power supposed to be balanced between spouses, parents, and children? How do we achieve this unity that President Eyring calls a "command" and a "necessity"?

In the same talk mentioned above, President Eyring gives the answer: "the gospel of Jesus Christ can allow hearts to be made one. ... Through obedience to... ordinances and covenants, their natures would be changed. The Savior’s Atonement in that way makes it possible for us to be sanctified."

President Eyring especially emphasized the importance of the Holy Spirit in helping us to become unified. He said, "Where people have that Spirit with them, we may expect harmony. The Spirit puts the testimony of truth in our hearts, which unifies those who share that testimony. The Spirit of God never generates contention (see 3 Ne. 11:29). It never generates the feelings of distinctions between people which lead to strife (see Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 13th ed. [1963], 131). It leads to personal peace and a feeling of union with others. It unifies souls. A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depend on unified souls."

2009 - This is what a unified family might look like.
(Not that we were, but we sure looked the part for a couple minutes! ;-) )

On the subject of power within families, Dr. Richard B. Miller  (at a BYU Conference on Family Life), listed the following as the proper leadership structure of a family:

1. Parents are the leaders in the family.
"In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children."

2. Parents must be united in their leadership.

"It is important that parents work together in their leadership in the family.... If parents disagree on parenting issues, they should discuss the issues in an 'executive session' without the children present....  Except in cases of abuse, passively not supporting the other parent or actively undermining the authority of the other parent causes serious damage to children."

3. The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.
"In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them.... It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families."

4. The marital relationship should be a partnership.

"Healthy marriages consist of an equal partnership between a husband and a wife. Many marital problems have as their root cause an unequal relationship or struggles over who has control in the relationship. ... Thus, research consistently finds that happy relationships are most likely to occur in marriages where the couple shares power and has a true partnership."

I encourage you to take a look at your own marriage and family life. Do you suffer from a lack of unity? Do you or your spouse sometimes argue in front of your children,  or do you present to them a unified front? Does one of you try to nag or control the other? Do you allow parents or other family members to interfere in decisions or other matters that should be kept between you and your spouse?

It is my hope that you will seek greater unity in your family through the sanctifying power of the atonement, by repentance, and inviting the Spirit more often into your home. I know great things can be achieved in our homes as long as we stand united.