Fidelity in Marriage

Shortly after I began dating my husband Rodolfo, we were out for a walk around Rexburg one night when he told me that his friend Jacquelyn had said to him that she just realized that now that he had a girlfriend they couldn't hang out together anymore.

I was actually really surprised by this comment at the time. I liked Jacquelyn a lot and had hung out with her with Rodolfo and their other friends a few times previously. I didn't feel threatened at all by their friendship and didn't feel right about getting in the way of it.

I told my husband (who was then my boyfriend) as much, but he said that even though he only had friendly feelings for Jacquelyn, she was right, and that it wouldn't be appropriate for them to hang out alone together anymore.

This made me pause and reflect on what that meant for me. Did that mean that I, too, was supposed to cut ties with all my male friends? 'How is that fair?' I asked myself. 'Is that really how it has to be?'

(Humorous exaggeration... I was not THIS bad.)

This is really interesting for me to think about in retrospect. At the time, I had several male friends, and even a couple whom I could call best friends. Those guys I had been friends with almost since middle school, and I never had romantic feelings for them. Based on my understanding of fidelity and cheating, I was certain that they were no threat to my new relationship, so I had a hard time with the idea of ending long-time friendships just because I now had a boyfriend.

While this may not have been necessary during the dating stage of our relationship (because why end years-long friendships over a relationship that may only last a couple of months?), it was good practice to begin to distance myself from them for the time it would be necessary once we were engaged and married.

Since getting married I have overheard or read several times people saying (though not to me) things to the effect of, "Your boyfriend/husband needs to get over it. There's nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. If he's jealous, that's his own problem, and him saying you can't have male friends is being controlling."

There was a time when I held similar views to this, but after nearly four years of marriage I realize that this attitude does not reflect a full understanding of fidelity or an understanding of how infidelity comes about.

To help broaden our understanding of fidelity, Professor Kenneth W. Matheson wrote, "Physical infidelity is only one of the many temptations Satan uses to break up families and marriages. Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind."

President Spencer W. Kimball said, "'Thou shalt love thy husband with all thy heart and shalt cleave unto him and none else.' The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse."

This includes other friendships and relationships. Husbands and wives are not to put their parents, children, siblings, other friends, or any other relationship above that of their spouse.

H. Wallace Goddard, in his book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage," paraphrases Shirley Glass, who explains these different levels of emotional fidelity with a metaphor I absolutely love. He says, "we should maintain a wall between us and those who are not friends to our marriage--who threaten it in any way. We may open a window to those who are friends of our marriage. And there should be no walls nor windows between us and our spouses. We should be as one."

Now that we understand fidelity a little bit better, it is important to understand infidelity can occur.

Goddard lists the following steps (paraphrased) as the natural progression of infidelity:

1. Behaviors that seem innocent (i.e., missionary work, doing good, helping in some capacity)
2. An affection grows that claims part of one's heart
3. Extramarital flirting--the justification being "no harm intended"
4. Relationship declared as "special"
5. Opportunities created to see "special friend" (as well as worries about what others will say/think)
6. Excuses made, and lies told to hide the time and resources spent on the other person
7. Spouse is displaced. Emotional intimacy exchanged with "special friend"
8. Faultfinding with spouse
9. Fantasies about other person
10. Physical affection
11. Sexual relations

Clearly infidelity doesn't happen overnight, and many of the early steps are easy enough to rationalize and justify in the moment as being innocent or harmless. And yet the progression can happen before you even realize it. So how do we know where to draw the line?

President Ezra Taft Benson said, “If you are married, avoid flirtations of any kind. Sometimes we hear of a married man going to lunch with his secretary or other women in the office. Men and women who are married sometimes flirt and tease with members of the opposite sex. So-called harmless meetings are arranged, or inordinate amounts of time are spent together. In all of these cases, people rationalize by saying that these are natural expressions of friendship. But what may appear to be harmless teasing or simply having a little fun with someone of the opposite sex can easily lead to more serious involvement and eventual infidelity."

In this matter, I think it's wise to apply Paul's warning to "abstain from all appearance of evil" (1 Thessalonians 5:22). Fidelity in marriage is way too important to take any risks with. It is far better to err on the side of caution. If you find yourself beginning to go down the path of emotional infidelity (even the fairly innocent beginning couple of steps), do not kid yourself and say it is harmless or nothing will happen. Instead you should ask yourself seriously if that relationship is worth potentially ruining your marriage.