Overcoming Conflicts, Part 1: Solving the Solvable Problems

You've heard it a thousand times before:
"No marriage is perfect."
"Every marriage has problems."

But if this is true, then why do some marriages last, and others end in divorce? How come some couples stay happily married for most of their lives, while others suffer miserably for years on end?

To make sense of marital problems and how they play into happy and unhappy marriages, Dr. John Gottman (in his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work") divides all marital problems into two categories: solvable and perpetual.

This was very interesting to me. The first time I read this, I thought, "right, you've got the ones that you can deal with, and the ones that are too big and will cause you to divorce." But as I read on, I realized that was not the difference between the two kinds of problems at all.

In fact, Gottman says that the majority of marital problems (69 percent, to be exact), are perpetual. He even says, "Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive."

Wait, what?

You don't?

You're telling me that even though we drive each other crazy because my husband likes hot weather, and I like cold weather, and he likes dogs, and I like cats, and he loves playing video games, and I think they're a waste of time, and so many other differences that we are likely to never agree on--you are telling me that this is okay in a marriage? That it can even thrive?

Well I'll tell you, I found that to be very good news, because sometimes it can feel like we are just too different to make it. It's a huge relief to me to learn that the fact that we have several irreconcilable differences doesn't mean we can't have a happy marriage.

See? Happy Marriage :D

In Gottman's book he quotes psychologist Dan Wile who says, “When choosing a long-term partner . . . you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty or fifty years.” Gottman adds, "Marriages are successful to the degree that the problems you choose are ones you can cope with."

I love that Dan Wile seems to say that it doesn't matter who you marry--there will always be unsolvable problems that you will have to "grapple with" for the duration of your marriage. Getting divorced and remarrying isn't going to make perpetual problems go away--it will just exchange one set of problems for another.

I am very interested in perpetual problems (as I hope you are too), but today we're going to be talking about the solvable kind.

Signs that a problem is solvable:

• it seems "less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense"
• the "focus is only on a particular dilemma or situation. There is no underlying conflict that's fueling your dispute."
• "it is situational... and it doesn't reverberate into other areas of [your life]"

When addressing solvable problems, Gottman gives:

Five Important Steps

1. Soften your startup 
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts 
3. Soothe yourself and each other 
4. Compromise 
5. Be tolerant of each other’s faults

He also says something else on this subject that made so much sense to me. He says:

"To a certain degree, my fifth principle comes down to having good manners. It means treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company. If a guest leaves an umbrella, we say, 'Here. You forgot your umbrella.' We would never think of saying, 'What’s wrong with you? You are constantly forgetting things. Be a little more thoughtful, for God’s sake! What am I, your slave to go picking up after you?' We are sensitive to the guest’s feelings, even if things don’t go so well. ... Keep in mind, as you work your way through these steps, that what’s really being asked of you is no more than would be asked if you were dealing with an acquaintance, much less the person who has vowed to share his or her life with you."

This was very eye-opening to me because it was so true. How is it that I can be so polite and forgiving when it comes to the faults and mistakes of acquaintances but I can sometimes criticize or berate my husband (or other loved ones) for doing the same things? We should be just as kind and gentle with our spouses as we would be with a guest in our home. 

Lastly (and possibly most importantly), Gottman shares this bit of wisdom with us: "The basis for coping effectively with either kind of problem is the same: communicating basic acceptance of your partner’s personality. Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you."

I remember reading that exact same principle in a wonderful book, called "Crucial Conversations" (side note: definitely go read that book as well if you are interested in learning more about effective communication and conflict resolution). In all of our disagreements, if we want to make any headway, we must communicate that we understand and accept the other person and his or her point of view, even if we continue to disagree with it. 

I hope you all will take these things to heart, seek to hear more than to be heard, be more kind when discussing the solvable problems you may with your spouse, and communicate better your understanding and acceptance of your spouse. Try to put these principles into practice and I promise you will see an improvement in the way you handle conflicts.