The Dangers of Pride

When I was little my older brother and I did not get along.

Well, this is an understatement. By the time I was in middle school, I completely hated his guts. He teased me, called me names, and picked fights with me every chance he got. He eventually grew out of it and I forgave him and we're past all that now, but he made life pretty hard for me for a while.

I bring all that up because our constant fighting as children gave me the opportunity to learn a powerful lesson. It all started with one of the lessons I was taught in primary (the subject of which was probably "Love One Another"). I was especially intrigued by Luke 6:27-30 which says:

27 But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you,
28 Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.
29 And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also.
30 Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again.

I thought about my unending quarrels with my brother, and I couldn't believe what Christ was asking of us. What about self-defense? Was I really supposed to just sit there, "turn the other cheek," and take whatever abuse my brother wanted to give me?

Clearly I'm not such a fan of this "turning the other cheek" thing.

I brought up my feelings of frustration with this doctrine to my teacher and said that because of the way my brother treated me, there was no way I could love him. In response, she gave me an interesting challenge. She said that for the next week I should try to go out of my way to serve and be kind to my older brother. I asked, "How could I possibly do that when he is so mean to me?" She replied, "Don't you think it will be harder for him to be mean to you if you are being so nice to him? Could you be mean to someone who was being nice to you?" I thought about it, and I decided she had a point.

So I put it to the test.

I don't remember exactly what all I did for my brother that week, though I do remember one thing I did was turn on his computer for him before he got home from school so he wouldn't have to wait for it to start up (You'll have to remember this was the 1990s and it could take several minutes to completely start up a computer.) It was a simple and easy thing for me to do, but it was a gesture of kindness and good-will that I had never presumed to do before.

I still remember his reaction. He asked who turned his computer on, and I told him I did. He looked at me for a few seconds as though seeing me through new eyes, and then he said, "Oh.... thanks."

I continued to do small acts of kindness for him (like taking his dinner plate to the sink for him) over the next couple of days, and I was amazed to see an improvement in his treatment of me. He seemed incapable of his usual cruelty... well, at least for a few days. Alas, he did not completely or permanently change as a result of my experiment. Maybe I didn't go far enough in my efforts, or maybe he just couldn't help being a jerk even to someone who was being kind. I know I eventually reverted to my old methods of retaliation (hey, I was a kid, and loving your enemy is hard!) but the experiment still left a lasting impression on my mind.

But what does this have to do with marriage? What was the grand takeaway lesson from all that?

From this experience, I learned that when we're in conflict with others (including our spouse) we can respond in a couple of ways. We can either choose the response of the natural man, which is to get angry, defensive, and lash out, or we could respond as Christ would, with love, charity, and humility.

Especially humility.

And what is the opposite of humility? Pride.

Pride is one of the more universal, complex, and multi-faceted sins. Everyone has been guilty of pride at some time or another, and it is manifest in a variety of ways, both obvious and overlooked. In President Ezra Taft Benson's talk, "Beware of Pride," he listed many of these ways that pride can take form:

• "self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness"
• "enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen"
• "rebellion, hard-heartedness, stiff-neckedness, unrepentant, puffed up, easily offended, and sign seekers"
• "Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man." (C.S. Lewis)
• "faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous"
• "Disobedience"
• "Selfishness... --self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking"
• "contention... Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances"
• "easily offended and hold grudges. [The proud] withhold forgiveness to keep another in their debt and to justify their injured feelings."
• "Defensiveness" "The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily."

I hope this helps you understand the variety and complexity of pride. Any time you are guilty of any of the above, you are exhibiting pride. No wonder it has been called "the universal sin, the great vice." It is the one sin that is practically ubiquitous!

So what was my point in telling you the story about my brother and me? Surely I was justified in my feelings toward my brother because of his treatment of me, right? Who could blame me for hating him? And don't we feel similarly justified sometimes when we retaliate harshly against our spouses? Don't we feel like he or she deserves it our anger and it's only natural for us to react the way we do?

Yet Christ expects better of us--just as we read in Luke 6:27-30. We are to give no thought for ourselves, but to do good unto others (even our enemies [and especially our spouses]) continually. Even when we think we are justified in our feelings and actions, if we are angry and contentious, we are guilty of pride.

Getting angry is like saying, "What about me? I don't deserve this! I deserve and demand better! He/She is wrong--not me. I don't need to change--they do." On the other hand, a humble reaction would be to ask oneself, "What might I be doing wrong? (Or at least) What can I do to make things better?"

This sense of entitlement, this "I don't deserve this--I deserve better!" is a common mentality and philosophy of the world. Undoubtedly I held that same philosophy with regards to my brother: "Why should I be the one to give in and be nice when he is the one who treats me so badly? I'll do good unto him when he does good unto me, and not a minute before."

But you can see why this philosophy doesn't work (especially in a marriage)--if two people refuse to be nice or concede anything to the other, then they will be stuck in a gridlock forever.

This is especially problematic when it occurs in marriage. My brother and I did not need to get along in the way that my husband and I do. When you've promised to share your life (or even eternity) with someone, you need to be a person who is willing to make sacrifices and compromise. A degree of humility is essential for this, and I would argue humility is the best trait a married couple could have.

H. Wallace Goddard said in his book "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage," "The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others."

In a talk on pride, President Dieter F. Uchtdorf gave this analogy: "I once owned a pen that I loved to use during my career as an airline captain. By simply turning the shaft, I could choose one of four colors. The pen did not complain when I wanted to use red ink instead of blue. It did not say to me, 'I would rather not write after 10:00 p.m., in heavy fog, or at high altitudes.' The pen did not say, 'Use me only for important documents, not for the daily mundane tasks.' With greatest reliability it performed every task I needed, no matter how important or insignificant. It was always ready to serve."

May we always be ready to serve our spouses and give up our pride for the good of our marriages. I testify that conquering your pride and seeking after humility is one of the best things you can do for your marriage.