Overcoming Conflicts, Part 2: Dealing with Perpetual Problems

Last week I talked about the two different kinds of problems in marriage, and specifically focused on solvable problems. Solvable problems are important to talk about, but considering they only make up about 31% of marital problems, I think it's much more important to discuss perpetual problems.
Perpetual problems, obviously, are ones that you can't ever really solve. They never go away.

This is because, as John Gottman says, "Whether the issue is momentous, like which of your religions to pass on to your children, or ridiculous, like which way to fold dinner napkins, gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other. By dreams I mean the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life."

Perpetual problems are all about your "dreams"

To give an example of a perpetual problem, I will give a personal example in my own marriage. My husband and I disagree over the number of children we would like to have. My husband comes from a small family of only three children, and he hasn't had many extended family members in his life. This, he believes, is why he is so close with his family. I, on the other hand, come from a family of nine children and many, many relatives, which has possibly contributed to my desire for a healthy amount of distance from my family.

Despite not feeling quite as close or tight-knit with my family as my husband is with his family, I truly do love my family immensely and I wouldn't wish any of my siblings away. I feel like whatever downsides there were to being in a large family were outweighed by how awesome it is to get to be related to so many unique, interesting people. As such, having only 1-2 kids is unthinkable to me! On the other hand,  to my husband, three kids are almost too many, because any more than that and he fears that we won't be able to give each of our children enough time, love, and attention.

We both have very different experiences growing up, which have led to strong, opposing opinions and fears based on our dreams of an ideal family. We have discussed this topic many times, but neither of us has made any progress on persuading the other. We have reached a gridlock.

Thankfully for us, Gottman has:

Five Steps for Overcoming Gridlock:

Step 1: Become a Dream Detective

Step 2: Work on a Gridlocked Marital Issue

Step 3: Soothe Each Other

Step 4: End the Gridlock

Step 5: Say Thank You

So let's take our example gridlock and look at each step in more detail.

We've done the first step in identifying our different dreams: My husband wants a close-knit family and wants to be able to give our children everything, which he fears he cannot do with a larger family. I love coming from a large family and think it's awesome that I have eight unique siblings that I get to know, talk to, and visit with for the rest of my life! I want my children to have that too, and I have a hard time imagining feeling satisfied or fulfilled as a mother if we have fewer than five children. 

Step 2: Work on the issue. This involves each person formulating his or her own position without criticizing or blaming each other. This includes focusing on your own needs, wants, and feelings about the situation, as well as whatever hidden dreams you may have that underlie your position. Once you each fully understand your position and why it's so important to you, it's time to talk about it. Each person should take turns being the speaker and the listener, and should speak for about 15 minutes. This is not the time to try to solve the problem, merely to explain your side of why it's so important to you.

Step 3: This one is pretty simple. Gottman says, "Discussing dreams that are in opposition can be stressful. Since you’ll accomplish nothing if either of you becomes flooded, take a break for some soothing before you attempt to slog through the gridlock."

Step 4: End the Gridlock. Now's the time for compromise. Basically, you say something to the effect of, "I understand why you feel the way you do, and your happiness and dreams are important to me, so I'm willing to try to find some common ground with you. Here's what I'm willing to give a little on, but I absolutely must have this to feel like my dream is also being respected." In order to have the greatest chance of success, you should make the latter part as small as you possibly can.

Back to our example, I might say that I may be willing to have fewer than five children, but my minimum is three. My husband may say that five just sounds like way to many to him, but he could maybe agree to having as many as four. 

Step 5: Say Thank You. This is important because each person has had to sacrifice somewhat on his or her dreams in order to make them work with their spouse's. This is an incredible feat of generosity and good-will on both parts that should not go unacknowledged by either. It is important to say, "This dream is really important to me, but having a long and happy marriage with you is even more important to me." When two people find the strength of character to put their spouse before themselves (especially on matters near and dear to them), it's beneficial for your sacrifices to be recognized and appreciated.

I encourage you all to identify a gridlocked problem in your own marriage, go through the steps outlined above, and see if you can't come to some temporary compromise. Understand that you will most likely continue to clash over this issue many more times throughout your marriage, but learn to accept that fact as an unavoidable part of any marriage. I testify that you can work through perpetual problems. Do not expect to solve them completely, but know that you can find a way to move past the issue as long as you both are willing to respect and honor each other's dreams.