Faith in Marriage

In this class I learn many wonderful principles to help me succeed in my marriage, but this week there was one that stood out to me above others, and that is how faith applies to marriage.

This principle is especially important to me because my husband and I do not quite match the ideal vision I had in mind for what our marriage and family would be like back when we first got married. I adore my husband (and have pretty much since the day we met), but we differ on matters that I feel are important (and which I have been taught by the gospel are right).

For example, I've been taught not to put off having children for selfish reasons. Furthermore, I come from a large family and would like to have several children, myself. My whole focus in my life right now is preparing to be a good wife, homemaker, and mother to our children someday. My husband's priorities are unfortunately quite different. He is not ready for the stress and responsibility that comes with having a family--he thinks he is still too young and that now is the time to have fun and enjoy life--and as such he is not doing anything in his free time to prepare to be a father someday. Most days I'm inclined to believe that he will always be this way, but that is where this principle of faith comes in.

In Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, Goddard wrote, "Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust that God is working to rescue our spouses even as He is working to rescue us. When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner. The more we trust God’s purposes in perfecting our partners (and don’t try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress."

This quote was exactly what I needed to hear. Perhaps the biggest problem in our marriage is my fear that my husband and I are not doing enough--that we are wasting our time and our lives away and are not focusing on what is truly important. I try to work on myself, but there is nothing I can do to change my husband. And that's where I need to surrender and put my faith in the Lord that he is "working to rescue" my husband just as he is working to rescue me.

The Prophet and the apostles have given us much guidance on the subjects of faith and fear. Elder Russell M. Nelson said, "Faith is the antidote for fear," while President Thomas S. Monson has said, "Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other." It is clear to me from this counsel that my anxiety is a sign that I need to work on strengthening my faith.

Goddard wrote, "It is hard to rightly express the truth about God’s influence in our lives. I believe the truth is something close to: 'If I am trying to live the gospel, God will not allow anything to happen to me that cannot become a blessing for me.' ... As a loving parent, our perfect Father will help us in a multitude of ways to avoid ruining our lives and preempting our growth unless we simply defy Him."

This is very comforting to me because I know that I am doing just about the best that I know how in living the gospel. As long as I continue to do that, I can trust that things will work out okay for me in the end--that God will look out for me and keep me (and others) from "ruining" my life.

In closing, Goddard says, "At times of relationship stress the best of us may wonder if we should have married differently—if we made a mistake. My guess is that, in ways not discerned by us, God guided us to be together. My guess is that God can take our marital choices and make them ideally suited to bless and balance us."

Do you sometimes worry that you made the wrong decision when you chose to marry your spouse? If/when you feel like that, I encourage you to turn to the Lord and put your faith in him. Pray and ask for comfort, peace of mind, and the faith to dispel your fears. Have faith that if you keep God's commandments he can turn any trial or tribulation to your benefit. He loves you and if you strive to always follow his will and his teachings he will not allow anything to be truly detrimental to you. He can see the big picture, the grand design, that we (from our limited perspectives) cannot see. Trust that he is at the helm and is in control and if you put your faith in him you will not be led astray.

Love Maps and Cures for Criticism and Contempt

This week I learned from John Gottman's book, "The 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work," how important it is to keep up-to-date and in touch with our spouses, as well as the importance of nurturing our fondness and admiration for each other.

This first principle is an area of strength in my marriage right now since it is pretty easy to stay in touch with each other when we don't have kids yet and I don't work outside the home. We're not juggling crazy schedules or struggling to find time to be alone together--we have it pretty good right now, and fortunately we are making good use of our time together!

Here my husband and I are in the foreground with 4 of my 8 siblings behind us.
He and I spend a lot of quality time together, and it is awesome :)
(Also, nothing says "I love you" like matching sweatpants.)

John Gottman calls this having an enhanced "love map." This is something a lot of couples struggle with when both spouses work or when they have young children. It can be difficult to find time to talk about your day and your feelings with your spouse when you both have so much going on, but it is important in every marriage to make this is a priority. Gottman says, "I have found that many married couples fall into a... habit of inattention to the details of their spouse’s life. One or both partners may have only the sketchiest sense of the other’s joys, likes, dislikes, fears, stresses. The husband may love modern art, but his wife couldn’t tell you why or who his favorite artist is. He doesn’t remember the names of her friends or the coworker she fears is constantly trying to undermine her. In contrast, emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. I call this having a richly detailed love map—my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life."

A couple of days ago my husband and I did an activity in Gottman's book where we played a game that tested our knowledge about each other. We both did really well, and I in particular was really touched to find that my husband knows me and listens to me even better than I thought that he did. Realizing how well we knew each other made me feel a greater amount of unity in our marriage and an even deeper sense of friendship.

Unfortunately the other of Gottman's principles that we studied this week is something I struggle with. I am very fond of my husband and I admire him greatly, but I can also be very negative and critical sometimes. As I was reading about the four horsemen last week, I noticed that I do occasionally even feel contempt for him, which was something I really wanted to change, but I didn't know how. The chapters I read this week held the answers for me:

Gottman wrote, "By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities—even as you grapple with each other’s flaws—you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt. If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree."

This is probably the principle that I will need to work on the most because I think on a whole I have a tendency toward negative thinking. A part of me worries that if I stop being critical of my husband then he won't ever feel any motivation or pressure to change, but an argument can be made that he's not going to change no matter what I say or do, so if that's the case then we might as well get along, right? So let us work on seeing the best in our spouses!

Besides, just look at this handsome guy! What's not to love?

H. Wallace Goddard, who wrote "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage" offered an alternative cure for criticism and contempt in a marriage. He says, "Often we hold our partner to some set of mythical standards (which are both unreasonable and unexpressed!). Inevitably he or she falls short. We feel discontent. We judge our companion as flawed and inferior. Over time this subtle discontent grows into the cancerous assurance that our partner is fatally flawed. With time we can easily convince ourselves that the marriage was a mistake. The cure for cancerous expectations is humble submission—a broken heart and a contrite spirit."

Do any of you struggle with criticism or contempt in your marriage? Do you have more negative thoughts about your spouse than positive ones? I hope you (just as I) will think on these two wise suggestions of remedies, and will practice cultivating positive thoughts, fondness, and admiration for your spouse, as well as seeking to humble yourself.

Predicting Divorce & Myths about Marriage

I'm excited that this week we have begun my favorite part of the marriage class: learning about principles that strengthen marriage!

The first time I took this class was Spring of 2012. I began the semester in April in Los Angeles, and we moved to Maui (the place where we had honeymooned five months earlier) about a month later. Here's us in Maui in our first year of marriage:

Aw, look how young and naive we were!
We really didn't have a clue.

Living in paradise was awesome, but that move definitely caused me to fail my classes that semester. Can't say I regret it though! And that may have even been a blessing in disguise, because now I get to work on strengthening my marriage all over again, and with a better perspective!

In fact, as I read this week's chapters, I was so happy (and pleasantly surprised) to notice a huge improvement in my marriage from when I took this class three years ago!

And because learning these things helped me so much in my marriage, I want to share with you all the most important things that I have learned from John Gottman's book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work."

This week I'll be focusing on the first two chapters of the book, which cover "The Truth about Happy Marriages" and how the author, John Gottman, is able to predict divorce.

There is so much good information in these two chapters that I really encourage you all to get the book and read it for yourselves (you can get it here), but I will go ahead and give you a brief overview of what I've read anyway. 

First of all, in chapter one, Gottman debunks myths about marriage such as:

1. Neuroses or personality problems ruin marriages.  MYTH

Gottman says: "We all have our crazy buttons—issues we’re not totally rational about. But they don’t necessarily interfere with marriage. The key to a happy marriage isn’t having a 'normal' personality but finding someone with whom you mesh."

2. Common interests keep you together.  MYTH
3. Marriage should be 50-50 with each partner giving and taking in equal amounts. MYTH

Gottman says that this quid pro quo mentality is unhealthy in a marriage and that spouses should not be keeping tally of their contributions versus their partner's.

4. Avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage. MYTH

"Couples simply have different styles of conflict. Some avoid fights at all costs, some fight a lot, and some are able to 'talk out' their differences and find a compromise without ever raising their voices. No one style is necessarily better than the other—as long as the style works for both people. "

5. Affairs are the root cause of divorce. MYTH

6. Men are not biologically "built" for marriage. MYTH

7. Men and women are from different planets.

I know that I previously believed in at least a couple of these myths, so it was very interesting to read how little they actually have to do with marital success.

I will not go too much more into detail about the contents of chapter 1, however, because I found chapter 2 to have much more practical insight and advice.

In Chapter 1, Dr. Gottman says that he can predict divorce with 91 percent accuracy after watching a couple interact for just fifteen minutes! That is pretty amazing, if you ask me. So what are the signs that he looks for when observing couples?

Again, I will not go into great detail about it all here (seriously, go read the book!), but Gottman lists six signs and four "Horsemen."

The First Sign: Harsh Startup
"When a discussion leads off...—with criticism and/or sarcasm, a form of contempt—it has begun with a 'harsh startup.'" "The research shows that if your discussion begins with a harsh startup, it will inevitably end on a negative note, even if there are a lot of attempts to 'make nice' in between."

The Second Sign: The Four Horsemen 

Horseman 1: Criticism

Horseman 2: Contempt

Horseman 3: Defensiveness

Horseman 4: Stonewalling

The Third Sign: Flooding
"Flooding means that your spouse’s negativity—whether in the guise of criticism or contempt or even defensiveness—is so overwhelming, and so sudden, that it leaves you shell-shocked. You feel so defenseless against this sniper attack that you learn to do anything to avoid a replay. ... And the way to do that is to disengage emotionally from the relationship."

The Fourth Sign: Body Language

The Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts

"Repair attempts... are efforts the couple makes ('Let's take a break,' 'Wait, I need to calm down') to deescalate the tension during a touchy discussion--to put on the brakes so flooding is prevented. Repair attempts save marriages not just because they decrease emotional tension between spouses, but because by lowering the stress level they also prevent your heart from racing and making you feel flooded."

The Sixth Sign: Bad Memories
"When I interview couples, I usually ask about the history of their marriage. I have found over and over that couples who are deeply entrenched in a negative view of their spouse and their marriage often rewrite their past. When I ask them about their early courtship, their wedding, their first year together, I can predict their chances of divorce, even if I’m not privy to their current feelings."

This chapter was such an important one to me in my marriage. When I took this class the first time, my husband and I were having huge blow-up fights on a monthly basis. We were still very much in love and were very good friends, but those fights were really hard on us, and we weren't sure our marriage would make it. We both had a lot to learn about each other, and a lot of bad habits in our interactions and communication that we needed to break. For example,  I used to struggle with criticizing and contempt a lot, and to make things worse, whenever I wanted to express my feelings over a problem, I usually used a harsh startup.

Me and my husband this year at the Cherry Blossom Festival in D.C. (April 2015)

I am now much more careful about how I broach sensitive topics, and I am careful to make any complaints I have without criticizing. We are also much better now at making repair attempts, and I'm happy to say they are usually successful!

The main thing I took away from these chapters was this: fights are not a sign of a bad marriage. Conflicts are a part of any and every marriage, but successful marriages avoid the four horsemen in their fights, and they have cultivated enough love, friendship, and "positive sentiment override" to allow for repair attempts to be successful.

That's it for this week, folks! Read Gottman's book, and check back next week for more insights on marriage!

Covenant Marriage vs. Contract Marriage

After such a controversial topic last week, I'm happy to be discussing a much easier (although no less important) topic from my readings this week.

This week we learned about the difference between temple marriages (i.e. covenant/eternal marriages) and civil (or contract) marriages. Aside from the obvious and most important difference being that a temple marriage carries on into eternity while a civil marriage is dissolved at death, there are other blessings and differences associated with temple marriage which I would like to talk about.

But before I do, one reason temple marriage is so important (and why we should all as faithful LDS members strive for it) is because without it, one cannot obtain the highest degree of celestial glory. In President Ezra Taft Benson's address in the April, 1986 Liahona, it says:

"In a later revelation the Lord explained: 
“In the celestial glory there are three heavens or degrees;“And in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage];“And if he does not, he cannot obtain it.“He may enter into the other, but that is the end of his kingdom; he cannot have an increase.” (D&C 131:1–4; italics added.)"
Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the Seventy also talked about the important difference between covenant and contractual marriages, as seen in the November 1996 Ensign article, "Covenant Marriage."

Elder Hafen said, "When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent."

This is a difficult ideal to strive for, giving 100% of ourselves in our marriage, but I think it is a little bit easier to achieve for those who have an eternal perspective and commitment to the marriage. Being sealed together for eternity (instead of just until death), requires that people take marriage and their commitments to one another very seriously. While even covenant marriages can fall apart, being sealed encourages spouses to work through their differences and the difficult times that inevitably come in every marriage, instead of just giving up and walking away.

Speaking of these difficulties in marriage, Elder Bruce. C Hafen used a lesson Jesus taught about the difference between shepherds and hirelings to teach about covenant vs. contractual marriage. Unlike the shepherd, the hireling "when [he] 'seeth the wolf coming,' he 'leaveth the sheep, and fleeth... because he ... careth not for the sheep.'" In this analogy, the sheep represent marriage, the shepherd represents covenant marriage, and the hireling represents contractual marriage. He also lists three kinds of "wolves" that test marriage repeatedly:

1. Natural Adversity (e.g. one of your children dying of a heart defect)

2. Your own imperfections (e.g. criticizing each other and complaining)

3. "The excessive individualism that has spawned today's contractual attitudes" (the supposed "need for having space, getting out, and being left alone")

All three of these will test most marriages at some point or another. How will we respond? Will we flee, or will we draw closer unto one another? Will we criticize and hold grudges, or will we repent and forgive? Will we push our loved ones away, or hold them close to us? 

My parents with my brother, Matthew (October 2004)

My own parents' marriage was tested by the wolf of natural adversity in the very same example Elder Hafen gave that I listed above: they had a newborn child die of a heart defect. The death of one's child is one of the most difficult, heart-wrenching things a person can go through, and it is an adversity that many marriages do not make it through. However, my parents (because of their eternal marriage) were able to find comfort in knowing that their beloved son was sealed to them forever and that they would see him again someday if they lived righteously and endured to the end. 

My family at Matthew's gravesite (minus Dad, who is taking the picture) (October 2014)

Finally, I would like to conclude with the message that attending the temple together as husband and wife can strengthen marriages and families. In the same address mentioned above, President Ezra Taft Benson said:

"Now let me say something else to all who can worthily go to the House of the Lord. When you attend the temple and perform the ordinances that pertain to the House of the Lord, certain blessings will come to you:

• You will receive the spirit of Elijah, which will turn your hearts to your spouse, to your children, and to your forebears.
• You will love your family with a deeper love than you have loved before.

• Your hearts will be turned to your fathers and theirs to you.

• You will be endowed with power from on high as the Lord has promised.

• You will receive the key of the knowledge of God. (See D&C 84:19.) You will learn how you can be like Him. Even the power of godliness will be manifest to you. (See D&C 84:20.)
• You will be doing a great service to those who have passed to the other side of the veil in order that they might be “judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit.” (D&C 138:34.)

Such are the blessings of the temple and the blessings of frequently attending the temple."

The temple can provide the strength to our marriages that is greatly needed in these latter days. It enables us to have covenant marriages instead of merely contractual ones. If you have already been sealed in the temple, I encourage you to go to the temple with your spouse as often as you are able. If you have not yet been sealed or are not yet able to attend the temple, it is my wish for you that you will make it your goal someday to do so.

What is Marriage?

The subject of our readings this week is more controversial in nature and has caused me to ponder deeply about what I would like to say in this post. As you might be guessing, this week we read about and discussed the recent (and ongoing) issue over the definition of marriage and whether or not it should be changed and expanded to include same-sex couples.

To those who believe that marriage ought to extend to same-sex couples:

I would like to say that I understand that this is an emotional and sensitive topic, and that there may be some of you who will hate me and disregard what I say simply because I disagree with you. But it is my hope that I can explain the position of those who oppose same-sex marriage in a way that will persuade many of you at least respect this point of view, even if you continue to disagree with it. I also understand that many of you believe that people who oppose same-sex marriage must be either prejudiced, hateful, ignorant, or close-minded. I'm not going to say that there isn't anybody on this side who is one or more of those things, because I know there is, but please don't immediately judge everybody who holds this viewpoint in that way. I have nothing personally against LGBT people. I do not judge them or think I am in any way better or more deserving of love or whatever else than any of them. My opposition to allowing them to marry is not hateful or homophobic in any way, and is based entirely on my worry about what effect it will have on the institution of marriage.

Believe it or not, there is a rational argument to be made for keeping marriage between a man and a woman, that has nothing to do with hating gays/lesbians, and goes beyond "because God said so." I hope you will bear with me as I try to explain this position as I understand it.

First of all, I hope we can all agree that words are important, powerful, and nuanced. Words are vehicles of thought and emotion. Consider how the two opposing sides of the abortion argument call themselves "Pro-Life" and "Pro-Choice." It's an interesting choice for both to be "pro"-something, isn't it? Wouldn't it be clearer to call themselves "Pro-abortion" and "Anti-abortion"? And yet both sides chose to nickname their point of view in a way that makes their side sound positive and the other side, by default, negative. We use words and names of things like this all the time (especially in politics). I could come up with many more examples, but what I want you to understand from this is that words have power to influence the way we think and perceive the things they describe.

The issue of marriage that we have right now is not so much an issue of equal rights as it is a debate over what the definition of marriage is (or ought to be). If you think about it, not allowing gay people to marry the same sex was not discrimination, because (at least up until countries began changing their definition of marriage) nobody was allowed to marry the same-sex. It's not that heterosexuals had a right to marry the same sex that homosexuals did not--no one was allowed to. It was restricted across the board, regardless of whether you were black, white, gay, straight, or what-have-you. It didn't have to do with discrimination--it was just adhering to what the definition of marriage is.

So why is marriage only between a man and a woman, then? Why shouldn't we extend the definition of marriage to allow men to marry men and women to marry women?

Before I get to that, I think it is important to ask, "why is government involved in marriage at all?" Is it because we need the government's seal of approval to have a long-term, committed relationship? Do we need the government to tell us if we can love and spend the rest of our life with someone of our choosing? Why is marriage a social institution and not just a private one in the first place?

I have not seen a better, more sensible answer than the following one, given by Ryan T. Anderson in his article "Marriage: Where Do We Go From Here?":

"The state cares about marriage because of marriage’s connection with children and its ability to unite children with their mother and father. After all, whenever a baby is born, there is always a mother nearby: That is a fact of reproductive biology. The question for law and culture is whether a father will be involved in the life of that child and, if so, for how long. Marriage increases the odds that a man will be committed both to the children that he helps create and to the woman with whom he does so. Marriage, rightly understood, brings together the two halves of humanity (male and female) in a monogamous relationship. Husband and wife pledge to each other to be faithful by vows of permanence and exclusivity. Marriage provides children with a relationship with the man and the woman who made them."

Furthermore, he says, "[Marriage] is based on the anthropological truth that men and women are distinct and complementary, on the biological fact that reproduction requires a man and a woman, and on the sociological reality that children benefit from having a mother and a father. As the act that unites spouses can also create new life, marriage is especially apt for procreation and family life. Uniting spouses in these all-encompassing ways, marriage calls for all-encompassing commitment: permanent and exclusive."

That's the big deal, guys. "Marriage" exists primarily for children, which is just about the only good reason for government involvement in the marriage business--it has an interest in the well-being of the children a man-woman sexual relationship could potentially produce. I know it sounds crazy, because unfortunately children are not the popular focus of marriage anymore in the United States. As I referenced in my first blog post, one study shows that nearly 70% of Americans believe the main purpose of marriage is something other than having children. But that doesn't change the fact that children are the reason marriage exists, and that many children are now suffering because that's something we as a country have forgotten.

So I want to ask you, what message does it send about the purpose of marriage when the definition of marriage is changed to include couples who are anatomically incapable of reproducing? If people are allowed to marry the same sex, then how on earth can we still say that marriage exists for the benefits to children and society caused by linking children to their biological parents, and parents to each other?

I hope you are beginning to see why it is not such a simple thing to ask that same-sex couples be allowed to "marry." You simply cannot do so without changing the meaning of marriage, and indeed throwing out the entire main purpose of marriage. Sure, you're still left with love and romance, but again I ask what interest government has in validating or supporting a person's love life?

We as a country are suffering from high rates of divorce and births outside of marriage, and consequently all of the social detriments they are associated with. What we really need is a renewal of interest in strengthening marriages and restoring family values.

Don't forget the importance of words and definitions. Redefining marriage in a way that promotes adults' selfish interests at the expense of children's is going to hurt us more than it is going to help us.

The effects of redefining marriage will not appear overnight. It may take several decades to understand what impact this ruling will have, just as it took decades for us to see the long-term effects of no-fault divorce. 

There is more that could be said on this subject, but I believe I've rambled on long enough. Again, I do not expect to have changed anyone's mind on this subject. It seems to me that everyone is pretty firmly situated in whichever camp they've chosen, for one reason or another, and there is not enough evidence yet to concretely determine who is "right." But I sincerely hope that I've made enough sense for there to be mutual respect between us as we agree to disagree.

In closing I would like to share with you two of the sources I've read/viewed in preparation for this blog. One is "An Open Letter [to Justice Kennedy] from the Child of a Loving Gay Parent." What I love about this letter is that it is from the perspective of someone who grew up in same-sex parent household, is clearly not anti-gay (because she loves both her gay mother and her mother's partner), and yet opposes same-sex marriage.

The other is an 11-minute video of Ryan Anderson (whom I quoted above) making a more complete case of the argument I was trying to explain above.