Covenant Marriage vs. Contract Marriage

After such a controversial topic last week, I'm happy to be discussing a much easier (although no less important) topic from my readings this week.

This week we learned about the difference between temple marriages (i.e. covenant/eternal marriages) and civil (or contract) marriages. Aside from the obvious and most important difference being that a temple marriage carries on into eternity while a civil marriage is dissolved at death, there are other blessings and differences associated with temple marriage which I would like to talk about.

But before I do, one reason temple marriage is so important (and why we should all as faithful LDS members strive for it) is because without it, one cannot obtain the highest degree of celestial glory. In President Ezra Taft Benson's address in the April, 1986 Liahona, it says:

"In a later revelation the Lord explained: 
“In the celestial glory there are three heavens or degrees;“And in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage];“And if he does not, he cannot obtain it.“He may enter into the other, but that is the end of his kingdom; he cannot have an increase.” (D&C 131:1–4; italics added.)"
Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the Seventy also talked about the important difference between covenant and contractual marriages, as seen in the November 1996 Ensign article, "Covenant Marriage."

Elder Hafen said, "When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent."

This is a difficult ideal to strive for, giving 100% of ourselves in our marriage, but I think it is a little bit easier to achieve for those who have an eternal perspective and commitment to the marriage. Being sealed together for eternity (instead of just until death), requires that people take marriage and their commitments to one another very seriously. While even covenant marriages can fall apart, being sealed encourages spouses to work through their differences and the difficult times that inevitably come in every marriage, instead of just giving up and walking away.

Speaking of these difficulties in marriage, Elder Bruce. C Hafen used a lesson Jesus taught about the difference between shepherds and hirelings to teach about covenant vs. contractual marriage. Unlike the shepherd, the hireling "when [he] 'seeth the wolf coming,' he 'leaveth the sheep, and fleeth... because he ... careth not for the sheep.'" In this analogy, the sheep represent marriage, the shepherd represents covenant marriage, and the hireling represents contractual marriage. He also lists three kinds of "wolves" that test marriage repeatedly:

1. Natural Adversity (e.g. one of your children dying of a heart defect)

2. Your own imperfections (e.g. criticizing each other and complaining)

3. "The excessive individualism that has spawned today's contractual attitudes" (the supposed "need for having space, getting out, and being left alone")

All three of these will test most marriages at some point or another. How will we respond? Will we flee, or will we draw closer unto one another? Will we criticize and hold grudges, or will we repent and forgive? Will we push our loved ones away, or hold them close to us? 

My parents with my brother, Matthew (October 2004)

My own parents' marriage was tested by the wolf of natural adversity in the very same example Elder Hafen gave that I listed above: they had a newborn child die of a heart defect. The death of one's child is one of the most difficult, heart-wrenching things a person can go through, and it is an adversity that many marriages do not make it through. However, my parents (because of their eternal marriage) were able to find comfort in knowing that their beloved son was sealed to them forever and that they would see him again someday if they lived righteously and endured to the end. 

My family at Matthew's gravesite (minus Dad, who is taking the picture) (October 2014)

Finally, I would like to conclude with the message that attending the temple together as husband and wife can strengthen marriages and families. In the same address mentioned above, President Ezra Taft Benson said:

"Now let me say something else to all who can worthily go to the House of the Lord. When you attend the temple and perform the ordinances that pertain to the House of the Lord, certain blessings will come to you:

• You will receive the spirit of Elijah, which will turn your hearts to your spouse, to your children, and to your forebears.
• You will love your family with a deeper love than you have loved before.

• Your hearts will be turned to your fathers and theirs to you.

• You will be endowed with power from on high as the Lord has promised.

• You will receive the key of the knowledge of God. (See D&C 84:19.) You will learn how you can be like Him. Even the power of godliness will be manifest to you. (See D&C 84:20.)
• You will be doing a great service to those who have passed to the other side of the veil in order that they might be “judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit.” (D&C 138:34.)

Such are the blessings of the temple and the blessings of frequently attending the temple."

The temple can provide the strength to our marriages that is greatly needed in these latter days. It enables us to have covenant marriages instead of merely contractual ones. If you have already been sealed in the temple, I encourage you to go to the temple with your spouse as often as you are able. If you have not yet been sealed or are not yet able to attend the temple, it is my wish for you that you will make it your goal someday to do so.