Love Maps and Cures for Criticism and Contempt

This week I learned from John Gottman's book, "The 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work," how important it is to keep up-to-date and in touch with our spouses, as well as the importance of nurturing our fondness and admiration for each other.

This first principle is an area of strength in my marriage right now since it is pretty easy to stay in touch with each other when we don't have kids yet and I don't work outside the home. We're not juggling crazy schedules or struggling to find time to be alone together--we have it pretty good right now, and fortunately we are making good use of our time together!

Here my husband and I are in the foreground with 4 of my 8 siblings behind us.
He and I spend a lot of quality time together, and it is awesome :)
(Also, nothing says "I love you" like matching sweatpants.)

John Gottman calls this having an enhanced "love map." This is something a lot of couples struggle with when both spouses work or when they have young children. It can be difficult to find time to talk about your day and your feelings with your spouse when you both have so much going on, but it is important in every marriage to make this is a priority. Gottman says, "I have found that many married couples fall into a... habit of inattention to the details of their spouse’s life. One or both partners may have only the sketchiest sense of the other’s joys, likes, dislikes, fears, stresses. The husband may love modern art, but his wife couldn’t tell you why or who his favorite artist is. He doesn’t remember the names of her friends or the coworker she fears is constantly trying to undermine her. In contrast, emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. I call this having a richly detailed love map—my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life."

A couple of days ago my husband and I did an activity in Gottman's book where we played a game that tested our knowledge about each other. We both did really well, and I in particular was really touched to find that my husband knows me and listens to me even better than I thought that he did. Realizing how well we knew each other made me feel a greater amount of unity in our marriage and an even deeper sense of friendship.

Unfortunately the other of Gottman's principles that we studied this week is something I struggle with. I am very fond of my husband and I admire him greatly, but I can also be very negative and critical sometimes. As I was reading about the four horsemen last week, I noticed that I do occasionally even feel contempt for him, which was something I really wanted to change, but I didn't know how. The chapters I read this week held the answers for me:

Gottman wrote, "By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities—even as you grapple with each other’s flaws—you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt. If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree."

This is probably the principle that I will need to work on the most because I think on a whole I have a tendency toward negative thinking. A part of me worries that if I stop being critical of my husband then he won't ever feel any motivation or pressure to change, but an argument can be made that he's not going to change no matter what I say or do, so if that's the case then we might as well get along, right? So let us work on seeing the best in our spouses!

Besides, just look at this handsome guy! What's not to love?

H. Wallace Goddard, who wrote "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage" offered an alternative cure for criticism and contempt in a marriage. He says, "Often we hold our partner to some set of mythical standards (which are both unreasonable and unexpressed!). Inevitably he or she falls short. We feel discontent. We judge our companion as flawed and inferior. Over time this subtle discontent grows into the cancerous assurance that our partner is fatally flawed. With time we can easily convince ourselves that the marriage was a mistake. The cure for cancerous expectations is humble submission—a broken heart and a contrite spirit."

Do any of you struggle with criticism or contempt in your marriage? Do you have more negative thoughts about your spouse than positive ones? I hope you (just as I) will think on these two wise suggestions of remedies, and will practice cultivating positive thoughts, fondness, and admiration for your spouse, as well as seeking to humble yourself.