Fidelity in Marriage

Shortly after I began dating my husband Rodolfo, we were out for a walk around Rexburg one night when he told me that his friend Jacquelyn had said to him that she just realized that now that he had a girlfriend they couldn't hang out together anymore.

I was actually really surprised by this comment at the time. I liked Jacquelyn a lot and had hung out with her with Rodolfo and their other friends a few times previously. I didn't feel threatened at all by their friendship and didn't feel right about getting in the way of it.

I told my husband (who was then my boyfriend) as much, but he said that even though he only had friendly feelings for Jacquelyn, she was right, and that it wouldn't be appropriate for them to hang out alone together anymore.

This made me pause and reflect on what that meant for me. Did that mean that I, too, was supposed to cut ties with all my male friends? 'How is that fair?' I asked myself. 'Is that really how it has to be?'

(Humorous exaggeration... I was not THIS bad.)

This is really interesting for me to think about in retrospect. At the time, I had several male friends, and even a couple whom I could call best friends. Those guys I had been friends with almost since middle school, and I never had romantic feelings for them. Based on my understanding of fidelity and cheating, I was certain that they were no threat to my new relationship, so I had a hard time with the idea of ending long-time friendships just because I now had a boyfriend.

While this may not have been necessary during the dating stage of our relationship (because why end years-long friendships over a relationship that may only last a couple of months?), it was good practice to begin to distance myself from them for the time it would be necessary once we were engaged and married.

Since getting married I have overheard or read several times people saying (though not to me) things to the effect of, "Your boyfriend/husband needs to get over it. There's nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. If he's jealous, that's his own problem, and him saying you can't have male friends is being controlling."

There was a time when I held similar views to this, but after nearly four years of marriage I realize that this attitude does not reflect a full understanding of fidelity or an understanding of how infidelity comes about.

To help broaden our understanding of fidelity, Professor Kenneth W. Matheson wrote, "Physical infidelity is only one of the many temptations Satan uses to break up families and marriages. Emotional infidelity, which occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse, is an insidious threat that can weaken the trust between a couple and shatter peace of mind."

President Spencer W. Kimball said, "'Thou shalt love thy husband with all thy heart and shalt cleave unto him and none else.' The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse."

This includes other friendships and relationships. Husbands and wives are not to put their parents, children, siblings, other friends, or any other relationship above that of their spouse.

H. Wallace Goddard, in his book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage," paraphrases Shirley Glass, who explains these different levels of emotional fidelity with a metaphor I absolutely love. He says, "we should maintain a wall between us and those who are not friends to our marriage--who threaten it in any way. We may open a window to those who are friends of our marriage. And there should be no walls nor windows between us and our spouses. We should be as one."

Now that we understand fidelity a little bit better, it is important to understand infidelity can occur.

Goddard lists the following steps (paraphrased) as the natural progression of infidelity:

1. Behaviors that seem innocent (i.e., missionary work, doing good, helping in some capacity)
2. An affection grows that claims part of one's heart
3. Extramarital flirting--the justification being "no harm intended"
4. Relationship declared as "special"
5. Opportunities created to see "special friend" (as well as worries about what others will say/think)
6. Excuses made, and lies told to hide the time and resources spent on the other person
7. Spouse is displaced. Emotional intimacy exchanged with "special friend"
8. Faultfinding with spouse
9. Fantasies about other person
10. Physical affection
11. Sexual relations

Clearly infidelity doesn't happen overnight, and many of the early steps are easy enough to rationalize and justify in the moment as being innocent or harmless. And yet the progression can happen before you even realize it. So how do we know where to draw the line?

President Ezra Taft Benson said, “If you are married, avoid flirtations of any kind. Sometimes we hear of a married man going to lunch with his secretary or other women in the office. Men and women who are married sometimes flirt and tease with members of the opposite sex. So-called harmless meetings are arranged, or inordinate amounts of time are spent together. In all of these cases, people rationalize by saying that these are natural expressions of friendship. But what may appear to be harmless teasing or simply having a little fun with someone of the opposite sex can easily lead to more serious involvement and eventual infidelity."

In this matter, I think it's wise to apply Paul's warning to "abstain from all appearance of evil" (1 Thessalonians 5:22). Fidelity in marriage is way too important to take any risks with. It is far better to err on the side of caution. If you find yourself beginning to go down the path of emotional infidelity (even the fairly innocent beginning couple of steps), do not kid yourself and say it is harmless or nothing will happen. Instead you should ask yourself seriously if that relationship is worth potentially ruining your marriage.

Overcoming Conflicts, Part 2: Dealing with Perpetual Problems

Last week I talked about the two different kinds of problems in marriage, and specifically focused on solvable problems. Solvable problems are important to talk about, but considering they only make up about 31% of marital problems, I think it's much more important to discuss perpetual problems.
Perpetual problems, obviously, are ones that you can't ever really solve. They never go away.

This is because, as John Gottman says, "Whether the issue is momentous, like which of your religions to pass on to your children, or ridiculous, like which way to fold dinner napkins, gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other. By dreams I mean the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life."

Perpetual problems are all about your "dreams"

To give an example of a perpetual problem, I will give a personal example in my own marriage. My husband and I disagree over the number of children we would like to have. My husband comes from a small family of only three children, and he hasn't had many extended family members in his life. This, he believes, is why he is so close with his family. I, on the other hand, come from a family of nine children and many, many relatives, which has possibly contributed to my desire for a healthy amount of distance from my family.

Despite not feeling quite as close or tight-knit with my family as my husband is with his family, I truly do love my family immensely and I wouldn't wish any of my siblings away. I feel like whatever downsides there were to being in a large family were outweighed by how awesome it is to get to be related to so many unique, interesting people. As such, having only 1-2 kids is unthinkable to me! On the other hand,  to my husband, three kids are almost too many, because any more than that and he fears that we won't be able to give each of our children enough time, love, and attention.

We both have very different experiences growing up, which have led to strong, opposing opinions and fears based on our dreams of an ideal family. We have discussed this topic many times, but neither of us has made any progress on persuading the other. We have reached a gridlock.

Thankfully for us, Gottman has:

Five Steps for Overcoming Gridlock:

Step 1: Become a Dream Detective

Step 2: Work on a Gridlocked Marital Issue

Step 3: Soothe Each Other

Step 4: End the Gridlock

Step 5: Say Thank You

So let's take our example gridlock and look at each step in more detail.

We've done the first step in identifying our different dreams: My husband wants a close-knit family and wants to be able to give our children everything, which he fears he cannot do with a larger family. I love coming from a large family and think it's awesome that I have eight unique siblings that I get to know, talk to, and visit with for the rest of my life! I want my children to have that too, and I have a hard time imagining feeling satisfied or fulfilled as a mother if we have fewer than five children. 

Step 2: Work on the issue. This involves each person formulating his or her own position without criticizing or blaming each other. This includes focusing on your own needs, wants, and feelings about the situation, as well as whatever hidden dreams you may have that underlie your position. Once you each fully understand your position and why it's so important to you, it's time to talk about it. Each person should take turns being the speaker and the listener, and should speak for about 15 minutes. This is not the time to try to solve the problem, merely to explain your side of why it's so important to you.

Step 3: This one is pretty simple. Gottman says, "Discussing dreams that are in opposition can be stressful. Since you’ll accomplish nothing if either of you becomes flooded, take a break for some soothing before you attempt to slog through the gridlock."

Step 4: End the Gridlock. Now's the time for compromise. Basically, you say something to the effect of, "I understand why you feel the way you do, and your happiness and dreams are important to me, so I'm willing to try to find some common ground with you. Here's what I'm willing to give a little on, but I absolutely must have this to feel like my dream is also being respected." In order to have the greatest chance of success, you should make the latter part as small as you possibly can.

Back to our example, I might say that I may be willing to have fewer than five children, but my minimum is three. My husband may say that five just sounds like way to many to him, but he could maybe agree to having as many as four. 

Step 5: Say Thank You. This is important because each person has had to sacrifice somewhat on his or her dreams in order to make them work with their spouse's. This is an incredible feat of generosity and good-will on both parts that should not go unacknowledged by either. It is important to say, "This dream is really important to me, but having a long and happy marriage with you is even more important to me." When two people find the strength of character to put their spouse before themselves (especially on matters near and dear to them), it's beneficial for your sacrifices to be recognized and appreciated.

I encourage you all to identify a gridlocked problem in your own marriage, go through the steps outlined above, and see if you can't come to some temporary compromise. Understand that you will most likely continue to clash over this issue many more times throughout your marriage, but learn to accept that fact as an unavoidable part of any marriage. I testify that you can work through perpetual problems. Do not expect to solve them completely, but know that you can find a way to move past the issue as long as you both are willing to respect and honor each other's dreams. 

Overcoming Conflicts, Part 1: Solving the Solvable Problems

You've heard it a thousand times before:
"No marriage is perfect."
"Every marriage has problems."

But if this is true, then why do some marriages last, and others end in divorce? How come some couples stay happily married for most of their lives, while others suffer miserably for years on end?

To make sense of marital problems and how they play into happy and unhappy marriages, Dr. John Gottman (in his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work") divides all marital problems into two categories: solvable and perpetual.

This was very interesting to me. The first time I read this, I thought, "right, you've got the ones that you can deal with, and the ones that are too big and will cause you to divorce." But as I read on, I realized that was not the difference between the two kinds of problems at all.

In fact, Gottman says that the majority of marital problems (69 percent, to be exact), are perpetual. He even says, "Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive."

Wait, what?

You don't?

You're telling me that even though we drive each other crazy because my husband likes hot weather, and I like cold weather, and he likes dogs, and I like cats, and he loves playing video games, and I think they're a waste of time, and so many other differences that we are likely to never agree on--you are telling me that this is okay in a marriage? That it can even thrive?

Well I'll tell you, I found that to be very good news, because sometimes it can feel like we are just too different to make it. It's a huge relief to me to learn that the fact that we have several irreconcilable differences doesn't mean we can't have a happy marriage.

See? Happy Marriage :D

In Gottman's book he quotes psychologist Dan Wile who says, “When choosing a long-term partner . . . you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty or fifty years.” Gottman adds, "Marriages are successful to the degree that the problems you choose are ones you can cope with."

I love that Dan Wile seems to say that it doesn't matter who you marry--there will always be unsolvable problems that you will have to "grapple with" for the duration of your marriage. Getting divorced and remarrying isn't going to make perpetual problems go away--it will just exchange one set of problems for another.

I am very interested in perpetual problems (as I hope you are too), but today we're going to be talking about the solvable kind.

Signs that a problem is solvable:

• it seems "less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense"
• the "focus is only on a particular dilemma or situation. There is no underlying conflict that's fueling your dispute."
• "it is situational... and it doesn't reverberate into other areas of [your life]"

When addressing solvable problems, Gottman gives:

Five Important Steps

1. Soften your startup 
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts 
3. Soothe yourself and each other 
4. Compromise 
5. Be tolerant of each other’s faults

He also says something else on this subject that made so much sense to me. He says:

"To a certain degree, my fifth principle comes down to having good manners. It means treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company. If a guest leaves an umbrella, we say, 'Here. You forgot your umbrella.' We would never think of saying, 'What’s wrong with you? You are constantly forgetting things. Be a little more thoughtful, for God’s sake! What am I, your slave to go picking up after you?' We are sensitive to the guest’s feelings, even if things don’t go so well. ... Keep in mind, as you work your way through these steps, that what’s really being asked of you is no more than would be asked if you were dealing with an acquaintance, much less the person who has vowed to share his or her life with you."

This was very eye-opening to me because it was so true. How is it that I can be so polite and forgiving when it comes to the faults and mistakes of acquaintances but I can sometimes criticize or berate my husband (or other loved ones) for doing the same things? We should be just as kind and gentle with our spouses as we would be with a guest in our home. 

Lastly (and possibly most importantly), Gottman shares this bit of wisdom with us: "The basis for coping effectively with either kind of problem is the same: communicating basic acceptance of your partner’s personality. Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you."

I remember reading that exact same principle in a wonderful book, called "Crucial Conversations" (side note: definitely go read that book as well if you are interested in learning more about effective communication and conflict resolution). In all of our disagreements, if we want to make any headway, we must communicate that we understand and accept the other person and his or her point of view, even if we continue to disagree with it. 

I hope you all will take these things to heart, seek to hear more than to be heard, be more kind when discussing the solvable problems you may with your spouse, and communicate better your understanding and acceptance of your spouse. Try to put these principles into practice and I promise you will see an improvement in the way you handle conflicts.

The Dangers of Pride

When I was little my older brother and I did not get along.

Well, this is an understatement. By the time I was in middle school, I completely hated his guts. He teased me, called me names, and picked fights with me every chance he got. He eventually grew out of it and I forgave him and we're past all that now, but he made life pretty hard for me for a while.

I bring all that up because our constant fighting as children gave me the opportunity to learn a powerful lesson. It all started with one of the lessons I was taught in primary (the subject of which was probably "Love One Another"). I was especially intrigued by Luke 6:27-30 which says:

27 But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you,
28 Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.
29 And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also.
30 Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again.

I thought about my unending quarrels with my brother, and I couldn't believe what Christ was asking of us. What about self-defense? Was I really supposed to just sit there, "turn the other cheek," and take whatever abuse my brother wanted to give me?

Clearly I'm not such a fan of this "turning the other cheek" thing.

I brought up my feelings of frustration with this doctrine to my teacher and said that because of the way my brother treated me, there was no way I could love him. In response, she gave me an interesting challenge. She said that for the next week I should try to go out of my way to serve and be kind to my older brother. I asked, "How could I possibly do that when he is so mean to me?" She replied, "Don't you think it will be harder for him to be mean to you if you are being so nice to him? Could you be mean to someone who was being nice to you?" I thought about it, and I decided she had a point.

So I put it to the test.

I don't remember exactly what all I did for my brother that week, though I do remember one thing I did was turn on his computer for him before he got home from school so he wouldn't have to wait for it to start up (You'll have to remember this was the 1990s and it could take several minutes to completely start up a computer.) It was a simple and easy thing for me to do, but it was a gesture of kindness and good-will that I had never presumed to do before.

I still remember his reaction. He asked who turned his computer on, and I told him I did. He looked at me for a few seconds as though seeing me through new eyes, and then he said, "Oh.... thanks."

I continued to do small acts of kindness for him (like taking his dinner plate to the sink for him) over the next couple of days, and I was amazed to see an improvement in his treatment of me. He seemed incapable of his usual cruelty... well, at least for a few days. Alas, he did not completely or permanently change as a result of my experiment. Maybe I didn't go far enough in my efforts, or maybe he just couldn't help being a jerk even to someone who was being kind. I know I eventually reverted to my old methods of retaliation (hey, I was a kid, and loving your enemy is hard!) but the experiment still left a lasting impression on my mind.

But what does this have to do with marriage? What was the grand takeaway lesson from all that?

From this experience, I learned that when we're in conflict with others (including our spouse) we can respond in a couple of ways. We can either choose the response of the natural man, which is to get angry, defensive, and lash out, or we could respond as Christ would, with love, charity, and humility.

Especially humility.

And what is the opposite of humility? Pride.

Pride is one of the more universal, complex, and multi-faceted sins. Everyone has been guilty of pride at some time or another, and it is manifest in a variety of ways, both obvious and overlooked. In President Ezra Taft Benson's talk, "Beware of Pride," he listed many of these ways that pride can take form:

• "self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness"
• "enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen"
• "rebellion, hard-heartedness, stiff-neckedness, unrepentant, puffed up, easily offended, and sign seekers"
• "Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man." (C.S. Lewis)
• "faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous"
• "Disobedience"
• "Selfishness... --self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking"
• "contention... Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances"
• "easily offended and hold grudges. [The proud] withhold forgiveness to keep another in their debt and to justify their injured feelings."
• "Defensiveness" "The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily."

I hope this helps you understand the variety and complexity of pride. Any time you are guilty of any of the above, you are exhibiting pride. No wonder it has been called "the universal sin, the great vice." It is the one sin that is practically ubiquitous!

So what was my point in telling you the story about my brother and me? Surely I was justified in my feelings toward my brother because of his treatment of me, right? Who could blame me for hating him? And don't we feel similarly justified sometimes when we retaliate harshly against our spouses? Don't we feel like he or she deserves it our anger and it's only natural for us to react the way we do?

Yet Christ expects better of us--just as we read in Luke 6:27-30. We are to give no thought for ourselves, but to do good unto others (even our enemies [and especially our spouses]) continually. Even when we think we are justified in our feelings and actions, if we are angry and contentious, we are guilty of pride.

Getting angry is like saying, "What about me? I don't deserve this! I deserve and demand better! He/She is wrong--not me. I don't need to change--they do." On the other hand, a humble reaction would be to ask oneself, "What might I be doing wrong? (Or at least) What can I do to make things better?"

This sense of entitlement, this "I don't deserve this--I deserve better!" is a common mentality and philosophy of the world. Undoubtedly I held that same philosophy with regards to my brother: "Why should I be the one to give in and be nice when he is the one who treats me so badly? I'll do good unto him when he does good unto me, and not a minute before."

But you can see why this philosophy doesn't work (especially in a marriage)--if two people refuse to be nice or concede anything to the other, then they will be stuck in a gridlock forever.

This is especially problematic when it occurs in marriage. My brother and I did not need to get along in the way that my husband and I do. When you've promised to share your life (or even eternity) with someone, you need to be a person who is willing to make sacrifices and compromise. A degree of humility is essential for this, and I would argue humility is the best trait a married couple could have.

H. Wallace Goddard said in his book "Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage," "The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others."

In a talk on pride, President Dieter F. Uchtdorf gave this analogy: "I once owned a pen that I loved to use during my career as an airline captain. By simply turning the shaft, I could choose one of four colors. The pen did not complain when I wanted to use red ink instead of blue. It did not say to me, 'I would rather not write after 10:00 p.m., in heavy fog, or at high altitudes.' The pen did not say, 'Use me only for important documents, not for the daily mundane tasks.' With greatest reliability it performed every task I needed, no matter how important or insignificant. It was always ready to serve."

May we always be ready to serve our spouses and give up our pride for the good of our marriages. I testify that conquering your pride and seeking after humility is one of the best things you can do for your marriage.